Thursday, August 23, 2012

Wearing Black

Hello lovies,
It's about 7:15 and I'd be perfectly happy to take my make-up off and go to bed.  I'm exhausted.  This week has been a weird one.  And a sad one.  I guess it caught up with me today.  As I told you, Saturday Chris' aunt died.  I had only met her once at our wedding five years ago and she and Chris hadn't spoken since then or a long time before then.  Sometime this past weekend a girl I graduated with (but was not friends with) died of cancer.  THEN on Monday I found out a guy I also graduated with and went to church with committed suicide. 
The funeral for his aunt was today at the same cemetery that Maw was buried at three months ago.  I donned my good black dress and heels again.  Chris wore his suit (minus the tie and jacket this time; figured I'd give him a break).  The whole time the pastor was speaking I couldn't think of anything but Maw.  Zach too, but mostly Maw.  Chris' aunt was 51.  Relatively young to die of a heart attack.  The pastor said that this was a hard funeral to preach because of it.  He said that it's different from an older person losing their mind or losing to cancer.  Said that was "expected and natural".  
I beg to differ.  
Now this man I'm absolutely sure meant no harm in what he said.  But there's nothing natural about dying of cancer no matter how old you are.  It's slow and it's painful.  Painful to watch too.  People shouldn't die like that.  Especially people like her. 
I didn't think it would be this hard.  I didn't think it would hurt this much.  I thought I had made peace with it.  I knew she was hurting and was ready to go whenever God called on her.  But there's still a little catch in my heart whenever I remember that she's not here anymore.  And there's no doubt in my mind that she could have lived to see 100 had she not gotten cancer.  The day before she died Kaylen was upset and told me that she always imagined her watching her graduate (a week later) and sitting on the front row at her wedding.  I told her I had always dreamed about getting to tell her I was pregnant and her holding my babies for the first time.  It kills me that our future babies will never know her.  I don't know.  It just hurts a lot more than I expected it to.  And part of me feels like I have no right to cry just because I got to have her in my life at all.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.  This is just what I've been thinking about.  I'm sure after wearing my new dress and a fun weekend I'll be in better spirits.  For now I'll watch Ingourious Basterds.  That usually makes me happy.  =)
."...Weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the Morning."
Psalm 30:5
[PS.  Completely random but it's bugging the crap out of me.  Is the correct possessive punctuation Chris' or Chris's.  One of my grammatically inclined friends help me out.]

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