Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dear Maw

I miss you.  I think of you everyday and there's so much I wish I could tell you.

At Christmas Kaylen made your chocolate cake.  It was her best one to date.  She's got the frosting down pat.  I think it's as close to yours as anyone will ever get.

You suddenly popped into my mind a few weeks ago at work.  I was working with a little girl modeling t-shirts for us.  Her grandmother was there getting her dressed for each picture and in between shots she'd brush the little girl's long hair.  All I could see was you sitting on the couch in your living room brushing my hair just like that, so gently.  I couldn't think about much else the rest of the day.

Dad brought home a bunch of pictures from your house and I found a picture of me in my Hooters uniform that someone had printed off for you to see.  It reminded me of what you said when you found out I worked there.  They said you just laughed and said "well.. I still love her!"

You never judged anyone.

We were talking one night about baby names and we dove back into an ongoing battle over a name that I like that everyone else thinks is ridiculous.  Mom said "What do you think your Maw would say about Tallulah??"  I said that I knew exactly what you would say.  You would just smile and say "well...that's YOUR decision!".  Even if you hated it you'd never tell me! 

I wish mine could meet you.  I always pictured you getting to hold my babies for the first time.

Psalm 30:5
At your service the preacher was talking about how serene and kind you were.  He said that he was sure you had a fault somewhere, he just didn't know what it was.  I sat there and thought to myself "...I know what it was".  Every once in a blue moon, if you got real annoyed you'd let a cuss word fly and then cover your mouth, blush and get all embarrassed.  I couldn't help but smile in the pew.  I know, sometimes there are just no other words that will do!

Kaylen and I still laugh about the time you told the guy that cut you off at McDonalds to "just kiss it". 

I got the Disney book I loved so much from your house.  I like to flip through the pages real fast and breathe them in because they still smell like your house.  Comforting.  It's sitting on our mantle in our new home.

I wish I had taken the time to ask you what your favorite song or color was or how long you and Poppie dated before you got married or how old you were when you were saved.

I wonder what you saw in your last moments.  Is there some divine light like everyone says?  Were there angels in the room we couldn't see?  How many earthly minutes passed between the time you left and when you first saw God's face?  It was the most amazing thing standing in your bedroom with you knowing that you weren't there, but in the presence of our King.  It's overwhelming to think of.

I prayed once for God to just tell you I said I love and miss you.  Not really sure if it works like that but figured it was worth a shot. 

Because I do miss you terribly.
I want so much to be like you.
I love you.


PS. It still bothers me that you hated cats.
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  1. Beautifully written and very touching! I am sorry for your loss!

  2. This made me cry. I still think about my Granny every day and she passed away when I was 10. I know you miss her terribly. It gets a little easier but never really goes away. You'll always have those memories to help you get through it.


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